Nancy Gilette Pt. 2: Co-Regulation, Declarative Language, and Parenting Autistic Kids

In part two, G-Rex and Dirty Skittles continue their conversation with Nancy Gilette and discuss practical tools parents can use to support autistic and neurodivergent children. Nancy breaks down co-regulation, declarative language, visual referencing, and why parents sometimes need a damn timeout too.

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Sh!t That Goes On In Our Heads is a 2024 People’s Choice Podcast Award Winner (Best Health), 2024 Women in Podcasting Award Winner (Best Mental Health Podcast), 2026 Podcast Tonight Award Winner (Best Mental Health Podcast), and 2026 NYC Podcast Award Audience Choice Winner (Best Hosts), with over 4.5 million downloads and listened to in over 160 countries.

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Mental Health Quote

“Nothing good happens in dysregulation. Calm comes first, connection comes next, and problem-solving comes after that.” — Inspired by Nancy Gilette

Episode Description

Part two with Nancy Gilette gets into the tools parents can actually use when the house is loud, your child is overwhelmed, and everyone’s nervous system is one tiny inconvenience away from losing it.

Nancy talks with G-Rex and Dirty Skittles about parent resistance, old-school parenting beliefs, and why the “just get it done” mindset can disconnect kids and adults from what really matters. Her message is clear: parenting autistic and neurodivergent kids is not about forcing compliance. It is about creating safety, building trust, and helping kids develop the skills they need for a life that feels good — not just one that looks good on paper.

Nancy explains three core strategies she teaches families: visual referencing, declarative language, and co-regulation. She breaks down how declarative language shifts parents away from constant commands and gives children space to think, process, and participate. She also explains why co-regulation is not about controlling emotions; it is about creating shared safety when things feel too big.

Dirty Skittles shares more about parenting Nugget, finding moments of real attunement, and learning how to honor both her child’s needs and her own nervous system. Nancy also opens up about Crohn’s, boundaries, art, rest, and learning to trust her body.

This episode is a big, compassionate exhale for parents who are tired of being told to do more. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is slow down, connect, and stop parenting from panic.

Keywords: co-regulation, declarative language, autism parenting, parenting autistic kids, neurodivergent children, RDI strategies, visual referencing, emotional regulation, parent regulation, autism support, ADHD parenting, nervous system support, parent-child connection, quality of life, compassionate parenting

Meet Our Guest — Nancy Gilette

Nancy Gilette is a certified RDI Consultant, mentor, and autism advocate who helps parents of autistic and neurodivergent children shift from crisis-driven parenting into connection-based support. Her work focuses on practical strategies, relationship development, parent education, emotional regulation, and helping families create a better quality of life together.

Website: www.nancygilette.com
Instagram: http://instagram.com/nancygilettecoaching
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/nancy.gilette
RDI Connect: https://www.rdiconnect.com

Key Takeaways

• Parents need regulation tools too, because dysregulated adults cannot guide dysregulated kids.
• Declarative language helps children think, process, and participate instead of simply following commands.
• Co-regulation is not about controlling emotions; it is about creating shared safety.
• Visual referencing can help shift everyday moments from “me” to “we.”
• A child’s confidence grows through safe experiences, not pressure or forced performance.
• Quality of life matters more than checking every box society hands you.

Actionable Items

• Try replacing one command with declarative language. Instead of saying, “Turn on the light,” try, “It’s dark in here, and I can’t see where I’m going.”
• When you feel yourself about to snap, take a parent timeout and name it calmly: “I need a break so I can come back better.”
• During a shared task, pause long enough for your child to refer to you visually before moving forward.

References Mentioned

Relationship Development Intervention: https://www.rdiconnect.com
Nancy Gilette: www.nancygilette.com
Dr. Ross Greene
Dr. Daniel Siegel
Dr. Gabor Maté
Autism: A Different Perspective — Nancy’s Facebook community

Important Chapters

• 00:00:00 – Welcome to Part Two
  G-Rex opens part two by continuing the conversation around stress, the mind-body connection, and supporting families with more compassion.
• 00:01:29 – When Parents Resist a New Approach
  Nancy explains how resistance often comes from old parenting stories, authoritative beliefs, and the pressure to “just get things done.”
• 00:04:15 – Do Parents Need Their Own Timeout?
  G-Rex asks whether parents sometimes need to step away, and Nancy explains why parent regulation is essential.
• 00:06:11 – Regulation in Action
  Nancy talks about what it means to catch yourself before losing control and how parents can model emotional regulation in real time.
• 00:09:13 – Why Nancy Works With Parents, Not Just Children
  Nancy explains her parent-focused approach and why supporting the adults often helps the child thrive.
• 00:10:28 – Visual Referencing, Declarative Language, and Co-Regulation
  Nancy introduces the three core strategies she teaches families to support authentic engagement and connection.
• 00:16:35 – Dirty Skittles Shares a Connection Moment With Nugget
  Dirty Skittles describes a powerful moment of pausing, listening, and feeling the reward of true attunement with her child.
• 00:22:45 – What Is RDI?
  Nancy explains Relationship Development Intervention and how it helps parents build practical skills to support their child’s development.
• 00:30:39 – Nancy’s Daily Practices for Showing Up
  Nancy shares how rest, art, nervous system care, boundaries, and reducing social media help her stay grounded.
• 00:42:45 – Advice to Younger Nancy
  Nancy reflects on what she would tell her younger self and the power of feeling supported instead of shut down.
• 00:46:38 – The Hardest Lesson: Believing in Herself
  Nancy opens up about self-worth, professional identity, and learning to trust her own experience and body.
• 00:53:27 – Where to Find Nancy
  Nancy shares how listeners can learn more about RDI, her work, and her autism support community.

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