The War Inside You: Why You Still Miss Them After Covert Narcissistic Abuse (IFS Explained)

This week, we’re doing something a little different. As part of a special episode swap, we’re sharing a powerful episode from Renee Swanson of The Covert Narcissism Podcast—and this one is going to hit you right in the heart.

Mental Health Quote

“It’s not confusion—it’s communication. Different parts of you are trying to be heard.” — Renee Swanson

Episode Description

This episode is different—and intentionally so.

We’re bringing you a raw and deeply validating conversation from Renee Swanson, host of The Covert Narcissism Podcast, as part of a special episode swap. And if you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why do I still miss someone who hurt me?”—this is for you.

Renee breaks down the internal war so many survivors of covert narcissistic abuse experience. That push-and-pull between what you know is true and what you still feel isn’t weakness—it’s your internal system trying to protect you.

Using the Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework, she explains how different parts of you—like the “firefighter” that urges you to reconnect and the deeper “exile” carrying pain—are working overtime to keep you safe, even when it feels confusing or overwhelming.

This episode isn’t about fixing yourself. It’s about understanding yourself. It’s about learning to sit with what’s coming up instead of judging it—and realizing that healing happens when you start listening inward instead of fighting yourself.

If this episode resonated with you, I highly recommend checking out Renee Swanson and her Covert Narcissism Podcast.
Her work goes so much deeper into understanding these patterns and helping you reconnect with yourself in a way that actually creates change—not just more awareness.
You can find her podcast wherever you’re listening right now. I’ll link her podcast and coaching in the show notes, so you can easily find her.

Keywords: covert narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery, emotional abuse healing, trauma bonding, internal family systems, IFS therapy, toxic relationships, emotional healing, self-awareness, trauma recovery, attachment wounds, healing journey, self-trust

Meet the Host of The Covert Narcissism Podcast — Renee Swanson

Renee Swanson is the host of The Covert Narcissism Podcast and a coach dedicated to helping people make sense of emotionally abusive and confusing relationship dynamics. Through her work, she offers grounded, compassionate guidance to help listeners untangle internal conflict, rebuild self-trust, and reconnect with who they are after covert narcissistic experiences.

Podcast: https://bleav.com/shows/the-covert-narcissism-podcast/
Coaching: https://www.covertnarcissism.com/

Key Takeaways

• Missing someone who hurt you is a normal part of trauma and attachment
• Internal conflict is not weakness—it’s different parts of you communicating
• “Firefighter” parts act urgently to protect you from deeper emotional pain
• Healing begins when you stop judging your feelings and start listening to them
• You don’t need to rush your healing—awareness is progress

Actionable Items

• Pause when you feel the urge to reconnect and ask: what part of me is speaking right now?
• Try Renee’s 6-step IFS process: find, focus, flesh, feel, befriend, fear
• Practice responding to your emotions with curiosity instead of judgment

References Mentioned

The Covert Narcissism Podcast: https://bleav.com/shows/the-covert-narcissism-podcast/
Coaching with Renee Swanson: https://www.covertnarcissism.com/

Important Chapters

00:00 – Why you can still miss someone who hurt you
05:00 – Understanding internal conflict after narcissistic abuse
12:00 – Introduction to Internal Family Systems (IFS)
25:00 – Firefighters, managers, and exiles explained
40:00 – The 6-step process for navigating emotional triggers
55:00 – Building self-trust and ending the internal war

Closing CTA

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Remember to subscribe for more powerful conversations like this from Renee Swanson and The Covert Narcissism Podcast.

#MentalHealthPodcast #MentalHealthAwareness #Grex #DirtySkittles #Podmatch #CovertNarcissism #NarcissisticAbuseRecovery #TraumaHealing #IFStherapy #EmotionalHealing #ToxicRelationships #SelfAwarenessJourney #HealingAfterAbuse #AttachmentHealing #InnerWork #SelfTrust

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